Archive for the ‘current events.’ Category

I’m back—or something.

November 14, 2010

Hello from beyond the grave!

Just kidding. I’m not really dead — in fact, I’ve been very much alive. Those of you who’ve been following my Twitter and Tumblr know very well that I’ve maintained my online presence. Some may rejoice over my return to WordPress, others may shake their heads. That said, I’m finished neglecting my blogging duties. You people (yes, you people) deserve to know what I think about pop culture, film, music, the media, and farts, and I fully intend to deliver.

Since my epic — and epically dated — Chatroulette post, I’ve relocated, enrolled in grad school, read more cultural theory than I can remember, and acquired a new kitten and a taste for delicious, delicious whiskey.

Stay tuned for my next, more substantive post about the postmodern wonder that is The Venture Bros.

Until then, I leave you with the genius of Chris Morris, director of Four Lions:


This is what we’ve done with the Internet.

February 15, 2010

I have the ability to see what search engine terms people have used to find my blog, so after the onslaught of visits I’ve received in the last 18 hours (80), I decided to take a look. You can imagine how satisfied I was to see this:

I mentioned the 100:1 or 50:1 (whichever you prefer) penis to boob ratio in my previous post, but it looks like people are trying to forego mathematics and see some internet boobs the easy way. Now if only there was a manual written telling us just how to get some hot boobage on Chat Roulette. Top mathematicians at MIT will be figuring out the exact equation for maximum boobs. Until then, this brave patriot compiled a Who’s Who of sorts in the world of Chat Roulette boobs (NSFW). I wonder how long it took to compile this data considering, after roughly 22 man hours spent on Chat Roulette, I only saw about 2.

Chat Roulette: A Rouletrospective.

February 14, 2010

By now, everyone in the world has heard of Chat Roulette, or as the French call it, “chatroulette.” After three nights of voyeuristic webscapades, I realize that Chat Roulette has done nothing to help move the Internet forward. I remember the promises of video-phone technology during the whimsical early-90s. This tool would help us reconnect with our long-lost family members, Grandma in Kentucky would get to see her grandchildren in Albany grow up right before her very eyes. Unfortunately, video-phones, if you don’t count Beyonce’s killer track, never got the play they deserved. Instead, we skipped over that entirely and now video-chat has become accessible to college kids and grandmas alike. Sure we have Gchat and iChat and all sorts of other IM devices that allow you to speak to your friends and family face-to-face, but where’s the fun in that? Everyone knows that video-chat is best served ice-cold and anonymous. Forget Gchat, we’re now in the (week-long) era of

For everything Chat Roulette is capable of, the general public only seems capable of shitting on potential world peace — not literally. The anonymous nature of the Internet brings out the worst in people, so why not use this amazing device as a way to call someone ugly or ask to see some boobs. When I was 14, if there was a way that I could see free, anonymous boobs, I would totally demand it at every turn. Of course, I was only capable of picking fights in the Yahoo chatrooms while supposedly doing homework in the computer lab at math & science camp. Taking that into consideration, it’s nearly impossible to meet someone who actually wants to have an interesting conversation on Chat Roulette. So this weekend, my friends and I had fun with it and met some pretty rad, and often weird, but more often bored, people. As the minutes became hours, we sang, we screamed, we ridiculed, and one of us even found (internet) love.

I should also mention that we saw at least one hundred wieners. Unfortunately for my 14 year old self, there’s a 100:1 penis to boob ratio — or would it be 50:1 since we saw a pair of boobs?

If there’s anything revolutionized by Chat Roulette, it’s gotta be the screengrab. I’ve included a ton of those after the jump. Some will make you laugh. Most will make you cry.


just another sunny tuesday at the fox news network.

November 25, 2009

So sorry to get all political on y’all, but this is absurd.

Remember, Dana Perino was the press secretary who admitted to knowing nothing about the Cuban Missile Crisis (“It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I’m pretty sure.”) back in 2007. Maybe she doesn’t know about September 11 either. Anything is possible. It seems to me that Perino probably misspoke and meant to say that there were no terrorist attacks on American soil during Mr. Bush’s second term. That would technically be true; although, her rationale would categorize the Virginia Tech shootings as a terrorist attack. Oh yeah, that happened during Mr. Bush’s presidency. Would they consider the VT massacre a terrorist attack if Seung-Hui Cho was Muslim? It’s probably best not to answer that question. There is no way to look at Perino’s statement, as well as Sean Hannity’s analysis, and see it as anything other than Fox News’ standard rousing of the illiterate rabble against Mr. Obama. Rabble rabble all you want, just spell your signs correctly—please.

Also, including a disclaimer about not wanting to politicize the Fort Hood incident doesn’t make what Perino said less political. And, in my opinion, there is no one to blame for this other than the man who pulled the trigger and possibly his immediate co-workers for ignoring the warning signs. When one serviceman of twenty years flips out and decides to go on a murderous rampage, well, that’s what we call an isolated incident, people. It’s not like Mr. Obama received a memo like someone else I know.


This seems, um, wrong.

November 23, 2009

Well, this is certainly one way for Roguester Sarah Palin to put her name on the Iraqi Freedom brand—literally. Doesn’t seeing this make you feel a little dirty? Suddenly, staring at her airbrushed gams on the cover of Newsweek doesn’t seem like it’s such a bad thing.

I’m sure if our malevolent fascist dictator, President Obama, autographed currency with the face of a dead despot, he’d be seen as pledging his eternal allegiance to National Socialism (no, it doesn’t need to be cited properly), and he’d be single-handedly responsible for the collapse of the dollar. I mean, he’s already done all of this, right? An autographed Mao-dollar would just be the tangible proof.

Don’t get me wrong. The left is just as guilty of attacking the right in this way. I’m just saying that the only thing Sarah Palin is guilty of is tackiness; but that’s not news, is it?


one more reason to move to texas.

November 18, 2009

Just as I declared otters to be the new cats, I saw this:

Okay, kitties. You win!

Memes come true.

November 18, 2009

Otters. Baby otters.

I think we’ve finally replaced the Keyboard Cat and the Sneezing Panda.
2010 is going to be a great year.


These otters were ahead of their time:

what is sexy anymore?

November 18, 2009

Johnny Depp was named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” Again.

Come on, People! Go out on a limb. There are different levels of attractiveness and People always errs on the side of caution. I’m putting in my vote for Geoffrey Arend. You know you’ve seen him in (500) Days of SummerSuper Troopers, Porn and Chicken, Bubble Boy, Undeclared, Greek, and plenty of other things I’m sure you’ve forgotten. He’s not a traditionally good looking man, but he can do funny voices! Also, the fact that he’s married to Christina Hendricks (Joan from the Mad Men) should make every self-loathingrespecting man want to be this dude.

Oh, look! It’s 3 o’clock. Time for my daily cry.


It’s impossible to hate Owen Wilson.

November 3, 2009

marmadukeIf you didn’t already know, they’re making a Marmaduke movie in the style of those inspiring Garfield movies with Breckin Meyer and Bill Murray. Owen Wilson recently signed to voice the ‘Duke. Here’s my problem: Marmaduke doesn’t talk. He has never uttered a word; instead, Marmaduke just shits all over his owner with hilarious results. What an asshole. This predictably ill-fated movie probably won’t put a dent in Wilson’s career. He’ll keep doing movies like this and You, Me, and Dupree to pay the bills, but then he’ll help pen and star in another Wes Anderson flick and his indie cred will be fully restored. I just hope he can stay sane long enough.

While we’re adapting single panel comics, what would a Get Fuzzy film look like? Would Bucky and Satchel be  the CG pets of, say, Tobey Maguire or would it be done in the style of A Garfield Christmas Special (all animation)?  I hope for the latter; but don’t interpret this as an endorsement of the idea of a feature length Get Fuzzy…. It’s not.


November 3, 2009

When I heard that NBC was cancelling the cop drama, SouthLAnd, I felt like I was mourning the loss of a puppy. This series hadn’t even had the chance to grow, flourish, and bring me my slippers and newspaper before he ran into the street and was run over by a speeding 1955 Hagerman Jaguar—driven by none other than Jay “the only awesome thing I’ve ever done is an action movie with Pat Morita” Leno. Fortunately, TNT has stepped in to save the day and will nurse this puppy (SouthLAnd) back to health. (more…)