Two-fer-Tsaturday.

Alright folks. January is over, which means good movie season is creeping up on us. Finally. With only a few hours left until February, I finished off the month with a cinematic bang.

Taking advantage of the Metreon’s two-for-one deal — where I buy one ticket and stay for a second movie — I saw two cinematic marvels: The Book of Eli and Daybreakers.

Neither movie deserves too much of my time. So let’s get right to it.

Immediate spoilers for Eli after the jump.

The Book of Eli
It’s the Bible. In braille. He’s blind. And dies. Don’t get mad at me. I just saved you 118 minutes.
The upside: severed limbs and decapitation aplenty. Free.

Now that that’s out of the way, I can spend a few more spoiler-free sentences on Daybreakers. I always want to think that Ethan Hawke is a pretentious asshole, and maybe he is, but I always enjoy him. Now, this is basically a reprisal of his role in Gattaca, except he’s an angsty vampire (but he’s a hematologist first) on a hopeless mission to develop an alternative to human blood. The vampire world exists in an alternate reality, 10 years in the future (2019, but this was released in 2009), where vampires rule and humans are farmed like lobster in a room that’s probably supposed to be reminiscent of industrial chicken coops (probably not) but instead looks like The Matrix. The world’s supply of human blood is left to only a few drops — not literally — and if the powers that be (vampire Sam Neill and crew) don’t act fast, the lack of blood will turn everyone into crazy, cannibalistic, underground-dwelling, vampire bat-like versions of themselves, cleverly called “subsiders.” Just think vampire-bat versions of the Dracula from The Monster Squad meets the Orcs from Lord of the Rings. See?

I really didn’t get much out of the social commentary, which touched mostly on issues regarding consumption of natural resources; however, where the movie shined was in its self-aware campiness. The amount of obscene gore made of for a complete lack of hot, sweaty vampire sex. No human sex either, but that wasn’t really of interest to me at the time. That’s what the internet’s for anyhow. I can see rippling absboobs everyday if I really wanted to. No sense in paying $11 for it. Where was I? Oh yeah — movie. Willem Dafoe also gets all of the killer quotes. For example: “…it’s about as safe as bare-backing a $5 whore.” Snap!

For a half-price movie, Daybreakers really shoves the stake in the heart. That means it rules. Definitely see this in theaters, but try your best to sneak into something else. You’ll feel good about life. If anything, it’s definitely safer than bare-backing a $5 whore.

One quick thought before I go: Since their ill-fated, albeit fictional, partnership in Training Day, Denzel Washington has not been in much else worth watching, with the exception of Man on Fire. Ethan Hawke has made consistent choices, leaving me a very satisfied movie-goer. Huzzah to you, Ethan Hawke. Huzzah.

That’s all.

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